Lump Conclusion

So I did end up meeting with the Breast Surgeon and am happy to report that the lump I found is nothing to be concerned obout I actually have some others that she found. They are all normal. Actually what I was told is that they can be caused by wearing underwire, so to all you bigger chested ladies out there apparently wearing it regularly can cause scar tissue at the pressure point, so save em for special occasions and that cute top that just can be worn without it.

Sexual Crimes

So I am sitting here watching my daily fix of Law and Order: SVU and I just have to say............................I don't fucking get it. Honestly how do you get that desperate as to take andvantage of a man/woman and children......don't even fucking get me started on that! I myself am a sexual crime victim, and was a child at the time. Yes he served jail time but I would not say that justice was served, he served just over a year for a crime that took away my childhood, because of it I was forced to become a woman before my time, I acted out both sexually and violently, which is something I am not proud of and do take responsibility for my actions but I do honestly believe that my actions were caused by his actions, what else did I have to be angry about? why else would I be violent? or have sex before I should have even known what to do?

The thing that gets me about it is most of the offenders out there are portrayed as past victims who know nothing else. How do you not know anything else? I mean I know how royally fucked up I was and still am by it, I live with the memories everyday. Sure it has gotten easier as time has gone by but I still have flash backs at anygiven time it can be set off by anything, sight, sound, smell, taste. There are so many things that remind me of him and sometimes when it's triggered I have a moment of sadness and go on with my day, other times it's like I am there again, I can see him, feel him, smell him I always come out of these fits sitting on the floor shaking and sweating. It is the most Horrible feeling EVER!! My whole day is ruined, he consumes my mind, sometimes I feel like it affects my relationships with others because I snap easily and am sad for hours, My children deserve a happy mother and I feel so guilty that I can't always give it to them. It breaks my heart to be angry with them or yell at them for stupid little things that really don't deserve more than a firm NO! I feel awful for yelling obviously I am not going to hurt one of my children. As fucked up as the situation has made me, I would NEVER NEVER NEVER harm one of my children or any other human being in any form especially not sexually. Why would I want to inflict the pain I have been dealing with since I was 7, on any other human being?? Statistics show that people in my shoes are more likely to inflict pain on myself than anyone else. So how do people get away with that defense?


Oh lets see, I am a sick fuck and messed up big time so lets invent a story about being a rape victim or a molestation victim so people think I didnt know better?

I mean c'mon, I'm not fucking buying it, and don't understand how others do!!

And that is my rant for the evening!

Snow Day

Ok so the snow came lol. As if you didn't know lol but anywho school called and said school was cancelled so I didnt even have to listen to the radio, As far as CC oh man do I have a story, I left here @ 10:30, the plan was to go see grandpa Sousa for a few, stop at Save Alot for milk and bread and come home to wait for CC who was coming at normal time, Got to grandpa's before the snow, visited about a half hour before it started, as soon as it started Mady and I said our goodbyes and went to Save Alot quick, literally was in and out of the store in no more than 10 minutes, came out and eveything was covered, but whatever I'm a New Englander, nothing I haven't seen before right? well I wish I never left the damn house, it was total mayham the second I left the lot, I couldn't get back up griffin st, slid down sideways so said ok no big deal I'll go up the street on the otherside of the lot, the hill isn't as steep...That went well, made it up no problem. This is around 11:30, CC comes at 12:52, plenty of time right? well I sat on broadway for about 20 min and only moved about 3 blocks, so I turn up Osbourne st and go to Southmain, hopefully it will be better........NOT!!! it took me till 1:23 to get to the fire station on NorthMain.........So now I am freaking out all the way that I am going to miss the bus, I pull up to the fire station and Michael (Michael's dad) was standing there, I jump out and say "you have no idea how happy I am to see you right now" He said the feeling is mutual, he had no idea if the bus was cancelled and I went to get her or something like that because I wasn't there, he said "I even went and rang you bell and when I got no answer and didn't see your mother's(I guess he thought Sandy was my mom) truck I got scared" so he went home and called the school, They said the students got on the bus at 5 of 1 and they were going to take it easy, so we waited at the corner till 2:05 when the bus finally cam, the bus driver apologized up and down but I was like hey man I'd rather you be late than have an accident with my child on board. So that's my snow day story. lol